What about the children?!?

I frequently get emails asking for people to help out with school.

Dear Parents:

In addtion to next week being Teacher Appreciation Week, next Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday are also first grade Fiesta Days. The children will be going to each of the classrooms (2 per afternoon) learning different things about Mexico!!

We need every student to bring in one paper grocery bag and 5 volunteers to send in a bag of candy (indivually wrapped) for a pinata. We need these things sent in by next Monday. We also need 1 - 2 parent volunteers for Tues from 1 - 2pm to
help out.

No problem. I'll send in some candy (of course the kind my son likes) along with the bag. I won't be able to help out because 1-2 is the witching hour for those of us with 3 year olds.

Next email from a parent. Name changes to child.

P.S. PLEASE, if given a choice, do not send in milk chocolate as CHILD (and I believe some others) are allergic to dairy and wheat. Dum Dum lollipops, starbursts, smarties, skittles, lifesavers-- that sort of candy should all be fine. I would greatly appreciate it if it is possible, so the teachers don't have to "police" CHILDS intake.
I know not all the classes will do this, but this way he will be able to eat some things he gets.

Hmm. She's one of those people who has their autistic child on 'the diet'. The parents think 'the diet' will cure their child's autism. It doesn't.
At this point I'm annoyed, but it's pretty much par for course with her. She's been in my sons' class since 2003 and I'm used to it.

Next email.

Well CHILD can't have high fructose corn syrup so we are in the same boat! If parents who bring things in can let me know ahead of time which of the products have it in them that would be great (the package usually has the ingredients where as the individual packs won't so CHILD wont' be able to check like she usually does :)

Now I'm pissed.

The poor teacher answers.

Dear Parents:

I believe that all candy from 1st grade classes will be mixed for the pinata??? I did touch base with Mrs.Teacher about the concerns with the candy and she is going to explain the details in the next day or so.

I'll let you guys know very soon if we need to send in certain types of candy and we can all be on the same page!

This is the next email I'm going to send.

Dear Batshit crazy parents,
Please, let us BEND OVER BACKWARDS because YOUR children have issues with certain types of food.
Instead of "POLICING" two students' candy intake, let's make the ENTIRE class suffer. Let's stuff the pinata with BUBBLES and SIDEWALK CHALK.

Better yet- let's change the pinata to a piece of POOP and instead of hitting it with a stick (because that would create violence!) they can throw flowers at it and spray it with febreeze.

It'll be just like Mr.Hankey on South Park. The episode where everyone's beliefs and fears of OFFENDING or INCONVIENCING anyone ruined Christmas so they turn Santa into a PIECE OF POO with a Santa hat on.

If your child has an allergy, it's likely something they will deal with every day for the REST of their lives. They will have to learn to avoid certain items, just like people who have pet allergies avoid getting that pet. Nobody will force the child to eat chocolate or high fructose corn syrup. If your child doesn't have enough sense at 7 to avoid food items that will make them sick- I got news for ya...food allergies are the LEAST of your freaking worries.