Ties that bind

I moved away from home when I was 19. I went with a boy from upstate NY to Atlanta GA in 1993. I knew at the time I was leaving my 'problems'. The big, huge, elephant in the room problem: my family.

They are alcoholics and drug addicts. Even typing that at 34 years old I feel as if I'll "get in trouble". (Something only another child of an addict will get).

Growing up I lied to myself. I overlooked things, I suppressed things, I shoved them way down to a place I couldn't get to. I moved and for the most part cut everyone out of my life. I wrestled with guilt. I kept shoving all the pain and emptiness and anger deeper and deeper and deeper. I put on the brave happy face.

I was told things like strong and smart and even amazing. Meanwhile I had this big black hole where the mutual love of my parents should have been. A big black hole that feels like a giant monster wanting more and more of me. An insatiable beast. A disease.

I went through my life empty. I wanted so hard to believe that Mom was the 'bad' one and Dad was the 'good' one. Dad was a happy go lucky type of drunk. Mom was evil. In my mind, since Dad was functional it was OK.

It is so not OK.

I spoke to my sister Thursday to learn: she and Dad aren't talking (about the pizza kitchen he owns and she runs) and she walked out. Dad's girlfriend walked out on him over the pizza place. Dad started talking painkillers again and mixing with alcohol. Mom is still toothless, jobless and "waiting to die... has totally given up". Uncle is in jail for violating his parole. Drinking. Again. His mistress is in jail for attacking my Aunt with a huge rock. "So Jan, when are you coming home?"

Can't make this shit up folks.

Today xan answers the phone. It's my Dad. He innocently, in his toothless accent, asks "Grandpa when can I see you again? I miss you. I have a swim team trophy and ribbons. I lost my teeth. You can sleep in my room"

He hands me the phone. Grandpa is crying. So am I.

Dad tells me all about trying to get rid of the business. How my sister is a drunk and He is too. He justifies his alcoholism saying "But at least I'm a nice drunk."

He then divulges deep family secrets that previously I had only heard whispers of.

I say goodbye. I go out to eat breakfast with my family and then pick blueberries. I can't shake it. I can't get away from it. During what should have been a wonderful family day I'm distant and almost in a fugue.

Today I feel like that big black hole just ate me whole.

Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. And I look good in black. ;)