Dream

As if yesterday wasn't enough of an emotionally charged day, sleep granted no escape.

Those of you who know me 'personally' are aware of the issues I've had over the years with my Mom. Currently we have no contact at all. Her alcoholism is out of control and I've chosen to keep my bottom line.

Most days, holding that line sucks.

Last night I dreamt I was sitting at a computer and I was pregnant. My Mom was standing behind me, her arms sorta around me typing on the computer helping me with something. The baby was kicking, she was feeling my belly. I felt such love for her. I felt safe, I felt good.

I felt like I had a Mom. Something I pretty much have blocked out and now only sad memories and anger are in it's place.

As the baby's kicking she says "You should keep it even if it's not JOns'" Then (in the dream) I think we split up for 6 months, got back together and the baby might not be his. The baby kept kicking. Mom kept feeling the bumps. I felt so much turmoil over the baby, over hurting Jon if the baby wasn't his. At the same time I had this overwhelming comfort coming from my Mother being there.

Comfort.

I wake and want to go back there. Go back to that comfort, to that absolute acceptance and security you feel from a parent. I'm trying not cry and I feel that big black hole open inside of my again.

So I tell my husband about my dream. How symbolic it was (I was doing the exact same thing in my son's classroom yesterday- standing behind him with my arms around his and helping him with typing) and what does he say? "SO basically what you're telling me is you were a ho? Not sure if the baby was mine?" I think he was trying to make it funny. He failed.

I can't bring myself to call her because of all the reasons I cut her off in the first place.

At least I had that breif moment where I felt her love- even if it was a dream.