Jane stop this crazy thing!

Since returning to the church I've began to study the bible on my own. I'm too nervous to join a group- I know it's silly. When my Mother almost died in May (not to mention the way my sister and father reacted) I was in a deep, dark hole. Terrified at the thought of losing my Mom after not speaking with her for 4 years, I had to look inward. Did I have the strength to let go of the anger I felt towards her for so many years? Where did I even start? It's so much easier to use your anger as a shield. Who wants to take off the armor and be vulnerable to more pain? When it comes to my Mom- anytime I speak to her and she's drunk it's painful. I can accept it- but it doesn't mean I have to like it or not be affected by it. How could I forgive my sister for the vicous, hateful and nasty things she said to me?

I went to Sweet Spirit and walked around, waiting for something to jump out at me. I found a study guide called God's Comfort. "Times of pain can tear our hearts, wound our spirits, and leave us broken and scarred..." read the back cover. I worked my way through the first chapter, and put it down for a while. Some of the material was just too hard to complete while I was trying to repair the brokeness that is my relationship with my parents.

My cousin Zachary died on Monday. Again, I wondered why somebody would have to leave this world so suddenly after seemingly getting his act together. Husband. Father to be. Beloved only son. I cried for my Aunt and Uncle, cried for his wife Lauren and their baby. I tried to make sense of it all.

I found the study guide and reread the answers written in my own hand. In the book of Job, Job loses everything. His children are killed and he responds by shaving his head, tearing his clothes and declaring "Naked I came out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return : YHWH has given, and YHWH has taken away; blessed be the name of YHWH". Satan then begins to torture Job and covers him in boils. His wife prompts him to "curse God, and die" but Job answers, "You speak as one of the foolish speaks. Moreover, shall we receive good from God and shall not receive evil?"

In my own handwriting was "Shall we only accept the good from GOD and not the bad?"

When things are good I never question GOD. When things are stresfull I do. Such a easy thing to say, and an almost impossible thing to do.

My Mom is having surgery tomorrow to reverse her colostomy bag. She is a wreck. I'm a wreck. I can't get anyone on the phone back home because Zachary's service is tonight. I wish I were there. :(

The more life throws at you, the better you become at juggling. In the words of Mother Teresa "I know GOD won't give me more than I can handle, but I wish he didn't trust me so much."