Personal Trainers, they're just like you....

...only we know better!

For over 10 years I have been on a diet of some sort. The whole bodybuilding lifestyle began to feel like more of an excuse to obsess over your body. "Can't eat that, it's bad. Can't miss the gym for 2 days, I LOVE IT. I want to compete for me NOT TO STAY A CERTAIN SIZE". Lies. All lies I've told myself over the years.

Of course I enjoyed looking like this. (June 2006 [prepping for a july show that was cancelled due to a dry socket)

I did not enjoy all of the stress I put my family through. Weights 4-5 days/week. Cardio 6-7. Boot camp 5x's. Pilates, yoga, sprints, etc 2-3 week. Diet: 1 cheat meal over 7 days (or 42 meals) X 16 weeks. Water: 1 gallon a day. Alcohol= none. Ice cream, fast food, etc = none. I was always tired, always cranky, always in pain, always critical about my body. It was never enough- never enough cardio or weights or running or dieting. Don't forget I worked like a dog- teaching classes training clients 30+ hours a week while being a mom to 2 small kids and wife to one. Keeping up a house, all that stuff.

Yes I look at that picture and think "Damn I look good". I also look at that picture and see a person having no fun. A crummy relationship with her husband (how can you when you're always miserable?) too tired to play with her kids, not a good friend.

I allowed myself to let go of that person, actually- that physique I was chasing. It's like a damned drug. Letting your identity be dictated by the world's perception of your outside shell is stupid. Am I a better person because I'm ripped? Hardly. Do I really want people to like me based on superficiality? Nope. I let it go. I said good-bye to the stage, good-bye to that whole scene. Allowing myself to exercise with my health in mind first, enjoying the rush of a good workout for a change.

Then I hurt my neck, an injury that still plagues me. I had to scale my exercise routine waaaaay back. Weights? Maybe 2x's a week. Running was replaced by mostly walking or elliptical or bike. I started to enjoy life a lot more. Eating foods that were 'bad' without panic or guilt. Having fun baking. Having fun going out to eat, get ice cream. Crocheting. Playing with my kids happily, not worrying about 'needing' to go workout the whole time.

As I said it was fun. Lots and lots of fun.

Today I find myself at an all-time high weight of....152. Yup. 152. In the above picture I was about 142? And a lot smaller because of the amount of muscle I had. I'm not having as much fun with life right now because I don't feel good. My cycle is all over the place, my skin is a wreck. I'm tired in a way that's different- it's the tired you get from eating shit food and sitting on your ass.

I think the correct term is: LETTING MYSELF GO. I know I'm still in better shape than most (I'm still boot camping) however last night I drove home from work with an open sherbert container in my lap, shoveling spoon after spoonful in (I am still a bit sick and have a nasty sore throat, but come on. Gross) to be followed by an extra cheese Tombstone pizza. I then went to my room, laid on my ass and read more of Jane Eyre. I was too damned lazy to change out of my work clothes (workout clothes are comfy) and knew it was the beginning of the end. I know better. I KNOW BETTER! I'm supposed to be the example here. People pour their hearts out to me about their insecurities and dislikes. Each story I'd hear, I could find myself empathizing with them more and more. I understand that rut! I'm in it!

So... in lieu of letting myself go my BFF and I are joining Weight Watchers online. I tried to follow the system before with second hand info, but I slacked. I want to do the program properly this time. I officially start Monday January 5. (Because I'll get paid!) I'm going to enjoy the last few days of freedom, but now too much. :)