Thursday, September 3, 2009
Traumatized
I am having a very hard time letting go of the images of my Mother's final moments. I feel incredibly guilty about making the decision to stop treatment and let her go. My sister and I held vigil for 8 hours waiting for her to go. I held her hand, sang her songs, told her how much I loved her, how sorry I was, how much I would miss her. I watched her heart beat go from 126 to zero. Her blood pressure to zero. Her breathing to zero. I remember her last breath. I'll never get that vision out of my mind. I can't get out of my own head. I feel like I'm having a panic attack. I feel like I killed her. I feel too much.
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2 comments:
I was with my Nana when we let her go. It took awhile too. It's something I will never forget, but I'm glad my Nana was surrounded by the people she loved (and loved her) most. And I'm sure your mother was the same.
I was with my dad when he died. Held his hand, watch his breathing become more and more shallow until it finally ended. Even though it was more than 13 years ago I remember it vividly. I remember thinking that he was finally at peace. I'd like to think that your mom finally is too. Much love to you Janis.
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