Pulled the rug out

The boys were so happy with their gifts. They spent ALL DAY playing their PSP's!

I spent 2 days in the kitchen making gnocchi, Christmas dinner and 3 batches of cookies. I didn't exercise at all. On Saturday I found myself in a bit of a depression. I spoke to my Dad briefly, and it turned into one of his dumping sessions. It's amazing how inconsiderate your own family can be. I would have given anything to meet my niece and have my boys experience a big Christmas party with all of their family. All he did was complain about ALL the people. He never asked to speak to the boys, he never bothered to wish them Merry Christmas. He didn't even send a card. It's amazing how quickly you can sink into darkness of depression. I spent most of the day Saturday laying around, not having the motivation to do anything. I wanted to run, I wanted to clean, I wanted to leave the house. I just couldn't. With the boys at a friends' house I could have spent that time with my husband alone. I slept for 2 hours.

This morning was more of the same. I slept terribly. My body ached. I had a nasty headache. I went back to bed about noon. As I lie there I prayed that the Lord would help me to manifest the plans he has for me. I asked him why I was so unloveable. What was WRONG with ME? Why can't I get myself in gear?

I woke up and forced myself out the door for a 4.5 miler. The first 2 miles were horrible. Then something clicked and the last 2.5 miles were the most enjoyable I've run in recent memory. I kept a steady 10 minute pace, no walk breaks. I felt smooth and strong. My mind was focused on nothing- I left all the issues I had and listened to my iPod. The hills that usually cause a silent moan felt smaller, the space between the miles shorter.

I came inside and told my husband "It's amazing how quickly you can slip back into depression." He said "Oh I know" and looked at me with empathy. When I'm stressed he's usually short on words, and today I appreciated it.

I was doing some searching about depression and Christianity. As Christians we're not supposed to be depressed...God is in control and you need to trust in him and the plan he has for you.

I came across this: "Have you ever noticed that you can see the farthest at night? In the daytime the most distant object you can see is the sun - a mere 93 million miles away. But at night your eye takes in countless stars and galaxies that are many light years away. Your vision is greatly improved in the darkness.

So it is with depression. When you are having bright days of happy sunshine, you can't see too much further than your studies, sports, work, friends, family or possessions. A very small world. But in the darkness of depression you begin to see the glistening vast expanse of God's love in Christ.

And when you are full of self-loathing and darkness, the love of Christ is all you have. And as it turns out, you don't have Christ at all until all you have is Christ." Rev. James Winsor

It's been a hell of a year for me. Some days are easier than others. I'm trying to cherish the good days and forgive myself for the bad ones.